Changes, etc.

While doing some homework the other day, I couldn’t help but think about how all of the things (and people) who were once important to me, are blurred into the background of my mind. I feel guilty, and I feel like it’s all my fault. But then I think a little more, and I realize that changing is normal. I can’t sit here and blame myself for changing when everyone else is doing it too. My life is about to take a strange direction, and the one thing that hasn’t changed except for a few heartbreaks and mishaps, is about to be tested. My 2 year relationship. I don’t have the finances to go with him or make any move to any other place at this time. And my schooling is on track with NKU, so I hate to lose even a single credit, seeing as how I’m already behind. Where does happiness and being on track fall into any of this? How do I know if I’m a strong enough person to maintain these changes and not continue to drift in and out of the awful “funks” I have been in  for the past year? I guess it’s just jumping in and taking it from there. The problem with me is I can’t seem to give things time and allow myself enough TIME to work through problems and changes. It needs to all be taken care of within a very short, unreasonable amount of time. I am well aware I’m not the only person who seeks this instant gratification, but for me I am not happy with living like this. I’ve been carrying too much for too long on my shoulders and look where it has gotten me. Mental breakdowns, literally. Driving off with the intention of not coming back. How much more pathetic can I get right now? Probably not much. A question that I need to ask myself is, “when will you master the art of thinking of yourself and less about what other people think and assume?” I think the answer to that is going to be time as well. I recognize what I am doing, and I’m ready to change it. Everything, (and everyone) else is changing, so why can’t I? Probably because I fear that people who have “known” me for so long are going to say “this isn’t you”. I can say this, they’re wrong. Because who I’ve been this year and even before this year, well, I’m not. I’m much happier and stronger than that. I guess I’m just feeling the urge to assist netural changes with a few of my own.

PerSnapple…

I am bored. And due to my latest obsession with the show Sex and the City, and of course, my love for writing, I want to take a stab at writing like her. Because I can. Feel free to make fun.

It was the moment I arrived back in ole Bright Indiana that I realized that a lot of big things can change in a small amount of time. The trip back from me and my friend’s weekend getaway shocked me into the realization of all this. People change, and in some cases, people don’t change.. AT ALL. You are reminded just why you never stayed with that person. But through this realization, among many others, I couldn’t help but wonder why I even care to stand up and actually confront my biggest fears. Some of them being in the past, and some of them in the future. Why does a person even bother with confronting these fears in the first place? Is it because we are only more fearful if we don’t? Or is it because it actually keeps our minds preoccupied with these general thoughts of these fears versus fearing something new?

Priscilla Desiree Russell

I was recently asked this question: Who are you? Well, much to my surprise, I could answer that question very easily. Almost too easily. The best way to describe me is to use the word “egocentric”. I hate dark chocolate and people. I can’t stand faux bitches and I’m not too fond of men who have no originality in hitting on you. I’m bitter towards certain things and open to new thoughts and ideas. I don’t believe in the slaughtering of unborn children, but I don’t believe in the slaughtering of mother’s lives strictly to save an unborn child either. Or their choices. I’m a kind-hearted young woman living in a godless world. I hate being pressured into things. I am beautiful in a way that some people aren’t. But that type of beauty is in the “eye of the beholder” as well. I’m disliked for the things that I believe, or don’t believe. I don’t hate the world I live in, because I still see much beauty left in it.  I’ve been a victim of violence a time or two, and I want to save those who have fallen victim as well. I love school, I love being educated, and I love learning about other cultures. I no longer see people I once thought were “angels on earth” as angels, because I don’t want to be held up that high myself. I used to be able to hold back tears, but not as easily anymore. It’s embarrassing.

I’m not a bad person, but I’m not satisfied with me either. I have gotten past a lot in my life. But there is so much more I need to get through and sort out. Maybe an idea will come along.. =]

Resurgence of energy/getting my life back.

So I am happy to announce that I am heading full force into a remission with my stomach disease (Ulcerative Colitis). It has been exactly one year this month that I have been in a relapse. As the year went on, I got sicker and sicker and eventually lost the majority of my energy. In my last series of blood test, the doctor concluded that I had an iron deficiency and that was why I was so tired all the time. He put me on iron supplements and prenatal vitamins to help restore iron and to regain my energy. It has worked very well. So well in fact that I have almost become a ball of energy and I want to always be on the go. This has never really been a characteristic that I have possessed, but I really am enjoying it. I can stay up late and hang out with my friends again, eat ALMOST whatever I want, and I have so much more motivation. I feel like I have transformed into another person. Kind of cool.

With this sudden healing, I have had some shitty moments too. I had spent a good amount of time preparing for a job expo that my school was hosting last week, but came out with no job and a rejection by a company that I had worked for last fall. I know that it’s nothing that I could help because of the economy being so bad and no one is hiring. It’s just a big let-down because I had plans to get a competitive income and move out by mid to late fall this year with Katy. Unfortunitely that will most likely not happen now. The only bright side to this bad news is that these same companies I tried to get hired by will be hiring by the end of summer. This will be wonderful because that will give me time to prepare myself to move out in about a year or so. If all goes as planned… which may not happen.

But hey! Here is some good news! Through all of these changes that I have experienced in the past 3 weeks or so, I have decided on both a school and a major. AND a destination for when I get my degree. I have decided to get my associates in paralegal studies. I will be doing this at Ivy Tech in Lawrenceburg. I am extremely sad to be leaving NKU because I loved the university so much, but that’s not what college is about for me. I vowed before I started college that I will not view it as a “party experience”. So far I have kept that little promise. I am glad that I have. The only issue is that I have been slightly misguided and slightly stupid/young about my gen. ed classes. In order to get a bachelor’s I have exactly 4 years left. I knew that this wasn’t an option for me because I’m dying to get out and experience the real world. So I decided to get an associate’s for now and then shortly after go online and get my bachelor’s. But I couldn’t decide on what I wanted to go to school for. This has been a common problem for me. So I finally forced myself to decide on something simple, yet professional and challenging to my mind. I want to be a paralegal. When I get my associate’s in about 2 years, I will move to New York City with Nate. That is, once I secure a job as a paralegal there first. While I’m living and working there, I will return to school online-style and get my bachelor’s degree. Then I am seriously considering in my late 20′s or early 30′s to go to law school and become a lawyer. I feel it is extremely important for me to get to know the law through working as a paralegal first, then decide which part of the law I love the most and eventually work specifically for that part of the law.

I actually have more things to write about, but I will do that at another time :)

Stay tuned, ya hooker! jaykay.

-Cilla

First Bloggidy blog blog..

So this is cool. I think. I finally got a blog site. Ima use it for thoughts, etc.. All the way from cheesy thoughts to personal beliefs.

Today’s topic: My effed life.

As if starting off the day with rolling out of bed 30 minutes late and hitting my head on my nightstand wasn’t enough, I get to school only to have non-stop wardrobe malfunctions. My panties were visible to anyone who walked 1 stair below me, the wind was a BITCH and my bra broke. I’m wearing a white sleaveless sweater… thing… FML.  But women’s studies was interesting. We talked about globalization and women. I will not elaborate I have little time.

I’m in search of a major that is going to get me somewhere in life… somewhere I want to be, and not just anywhere.  I want to go to New York. Nate does too. And we are going to be cute lil yuppies together in the Big Apple. Just kidding. Somewhat. I am considering other schools now, but I don’t know.

I’d totally love to continue typing, but I gotta go to class soon. Perhaps you should look forward to a potential blog tonight? yes. I feel a worthy rant coming on. I’d like to share my latest “dream”. aka New York City.

ciao ciao for now!

-Cilla Dez Ruzzell